ode to the poop pipe.

Well what a fantastic weekend we have had at the good ol' Irwin home!
I can't begin to describe to you the feelings that is felt as you just flush the toilet and have the opportunity to re-live what just went down coming through your bath tub. To hear. the "glub-glub-glub" as it makes it's encore appearance in the tub.
Nor can express the amount of awed surprise we had when it started "raining pooh water" in our basement right underneath the toliet after someone flushed the toilet or ran the tub to rid it of it's ghastly nastiness.
So we tried to grab the crap by its horns.. We bough 2 different augers.And Lye. And pulled off piped to the sink. Pulled the toilet off and tried to auger the water down ( all pipes were full!) No matter what we did nothing worked..
Bless my hubby's heart.. He just isn't analytical and not good with mechanical stuff. I can work & narrow down the problem so much faster then he can.. He still was stuck on a clog in the toilet. ( we will refer to that as Step A ) And I had already decided it indeed was not that and must be a Huge clog in the main pipe below where the tub,toilet sink pipe is connected .( from here on out will be refereed to step." aww shit!") But of Course my hubby must make sure it is indeed not step A or B Or C. by auguring out every single pipe in the bathroom. Once he came to realization that his wife knew what she was talking about the WHOLE time. We( he) decided to forget a,b&c go take a look at Step."A.S".
At this point I have fully taken over since I know I'm on the right track. And my hubby is trying to tell me it's a water valve and not a pipe.. ( ... really he just needs to stick to his books.) I decided to open the back up pipe ( or whatever it's called.) SLOWLY
Now, I am not retarded. I know that is a really big opening. And if it's clogged where I think it's clogged. I am going to get hosed by pooh water. So I slowly start to loosen the cap on it and a bit of water starts to trickle out.. bit by bit till I have a steady stream flowing down right?..
Well.. It seemed to let up and I thought we should be about drained out.. So I loosened it a lot more and a huge amount of pressurized pooh water flew out and HOSED ME DOWN!
I am now covered in sewage.. not like junks of pooh flying at my head... but broken down 6 weeks old.. Pooh water even evidence of t.p. I guess I should be glad I didn't bend my head down to see what I was doing or I would have gotten it right in the face. I was so pissed. And incredibly grossed out.
If anyone knows me I am incredibly poop sensitive. I gag really hard at the smell ,sight and especially bad if I had to remove it from anything. I don't poop scoop for this reason. And when I do kids diapers I hold my breath and look away.
It stunk so bad! and I was Covered in pooh water!! But I hung in like a champ. ( I certainly wasn't going to let go of the cap on the pipe now was I?)
Paul dared laugh. I might have said a few choice words in response.
Anywhoo after it was positively with out a doubt all drained out. I put Paul in charge of trying to auger the main sewer line. And yes that was just plain nasty and I gagged so hard I left the room. Well after our best attempt to clear the line. We put ever thing back together. And since Paul and I stunk to high heaven we hoped we cleared it enough that the water would flush the rest away. So we Scrubbed out the tub and jumped in the shower a WELL needed shower. It didn't take long to see the tub back up again ( I didn't care. I wasn't getting out till I had soaped down 3 times!) It was the fasted shower I ever took. But it didn't matter. By the time we got out. it was seeping out of the basin of the toilet and RAINING downstairs again.. Didn't I just get done Lysol/bleaching the floors and wall? So I guess our auguring didn't work. But I am NOT opening that drain pipe again. I'm paying the plumber! Until then we make trips up to the gas station or whatever store we are in to do our business. Paul has to plug the tub just to get a shower for work. and then empty out the bucket after words. Such a huge pain.
I think I am permanently traumatized.And should probably by stock in Lysol and bleach for how much I bought these last couple days.
I can't even begin to explain to you the mess I have endured. Next time I will Let Paul dwell on all the steps until he gets to what the actual problem is.. I am not helping again!

Turns out we had roots in the pipes. And only a true plumbers auger could get through. My basement now smells terrible and again I am going to stock up on bleach and lysol. And Contemplaing using straight up bleach on the pipes and floor.. It was disgusting!


To quote a classic. N.L. christmas Vacation,

In the wisdom of Eddie:

"Merry Christmas ... Shitters full!"